Parents behaving badly…

This summer my father and I both celebrated birthdays, which got me thinking about how much time I have left with this man. He’s pushing 70, which isn’t actually that old these days, but his health and vitality has taken a real turn in the last year and a half. A hale and hearty man who used to hike in the Rocky Mountains nearly every weekend, was interested in anything and everything to do with science and technology – who taught me how to read and write and think – has been reduced to a pale, stooped shadow of himself. I love him, and I know he loves me (though you couldn’t pay him to say it out loud), but I don’t really like him very much a lot of the time.
There, I said it. I’m terrified of losing my dad, but I just don’t like him much anymore. He’s always been a challenging person to deal with, even when I was a little girl, but back then it was me and him against the world. He saved me from a fairly ugly situation with my mother after their divorce when I was very young, so I felt an exaggerated sense of loyalty towards him. But even then, he could be controlling and occasionally harsh.
Mean, spiteful behavior is one thing from someone who can take care of themselves. It’s another thing entirely coming from someone who is beginning to lose control of mental and/or physical faculties. When people who have a deep need for control begin to lose it, they often seek outside themselves to regain it.
So what does this mean for the adult children of aging parents who behave in these ways? We have to learn how to look past the imperfections and poor behaviors of our parents, in order to properly see to the care of people who took care of us when we were helpless and small.
For physical issues, such as a refusal to bathe or change clothes or allow outside assistance, it’s best to approach the parent as one would approach an exceptionally bright child. That is, give parents ways to make their own choices, but choices that are healthy and appropriate for them – and that you can live with!
When dealing with emotional issues, it’s always a good idea to make sure that both you and your parent(s) have as wide a social safety net as possible to draw on. Parents need more than their children to interact with on a daily basis, and children who are regular caregivers need to be able to walk away from time to time and take care of themselves – both for their own sake as well as their parents’.
A final note about emotional issues with aging parents concerns social and cultural prejudices. I’m dealing with this with my own dad; he’s always been pretty conservative but in the past 4 to 5 years he’s moved somewhat to the right of Karl Rove. This makes small talk about something as harmless as the evening news suddenly a minefield. I’ve had to learn when to stand my ground and when to bite my tongue, but the thing that’s most improved that part of my relationship with him is letting go of my need to be right – and moving out of his house! Something else to consider is that the aging brain loses a certain amount of frontal lobe function, particularly the part that controls our social inhibitions. What that means in practice is that Grandpa or Great-Aunt Betty might not want to say bigoted or inappropriate things, but their brains aren’t as able to override hurtful stereotypes as they would have been when they were younger.
Learn how to be gentle with both yourself and your aging parents – your conscience and your sanity will thank you for it.
~ Jennifer

* Further reading:

http://www.agingcare.com/Articles/bad-behavior-by-elderly-parents-138673.htm

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/blogs/lab-notes/2007/09/25/why-grandpa-says-inappropriate-things.html

A Personal Experience

I’m faced with a situation that, when explained, might offer insight into other topics of caregiving, eldercare, and DMM services.

My family’s patriarch and matriarch live together in a sunny place on the east coast. They retired there many years ago, preferring the year-round warmth to extreme weather shifts common in their old home in the Midwest. However, their children live in both the Midwest and the west coast. They are not alone themselves; several kin live in the area. In the past, there wasn’t a problem. They had enough money and energy to board planes and visit and certainly hosted their fair share of family (many of us enjoying the momentary exposure to subtropical climates). It’s not an uncommon story, and in fact, is almost cliché in its ups and downs, but a certain amount of seriousness has recently entered the picture as these two grow well into their nineties.

While the patriarch suffers little through his age (that is, the usual stuff but nothing that keeps him from being a smart, active guy), his better half has begun down a terrible path of mental instability. We’re not sure what it is yet, but her memory is going (not to the extremes that Alzheimer’s causes) as well are her mobility; she can get around with a cane but not without additional assistance. So, beyond looking at the final years of their lives, they’re seeing degradation in their health and thinking, perhaps, their love for a warm climate might not be worth the distance from their children.

Traveling for them has become difficult. Beyond the annoyances the TSA brings to the field, just moving around and adjusting to new surroundings takes a visible toll on the two of them. It is apparent for the matriarch, as all of us in the family have had to help her with stairs or been present for a fall (an occasion becoming more and more common), but that was almost to be expected in a woman who requires a cane. It was when the patriarch—a man many of us used as a proud idol of health in old age, of resilience over the years—began to show the same difficulties that the situation hit me.

There is that moment when you realize the signs you almost laughingly attributed to old age—almost as a badge of honor placed upon the elders—were signifying something more, and that you cannot be the only one noticing, for they themselves must live with these realizations each day. This is the scary part for me, the knowledge that we both know something needs to happen, and yet neither of us has come clean to the other about it.

The situation shifts, then, into one I’ve spoken about previously on this blog; a situation in which communication is necessary. In my situation, it’s begun. A suggestion was made that these elders migrate to their once-upon-a-time home in the Midwest to be closer to the family both for mutual happiness (family togetherness and all that) but also in case of a further degradation of health.

I see a lack of communication in several of the decision makers here. The patriarch has voiced his opinion to move to the Midwest. Meanwhile the children can’t agree whether or not this is pie-in-the-sky dreaming or a serious idea. Further complicating things is the matriarch’s love of the east coast despite her caretaking needs being the greater of the two, and she would benefit most from the move.

I strive to use my own advice in these matters, as I still think communication and listening to both sides (the child and the parent) is paramount to resolving and coming to a conclusion that will satisfy both parties. However, I find the actualities of the situation more delicate than that. There is more than one child (as there often is), and each has a different opinion on how to handle the situation.

I can only offer the same advice I’ve continued to offer, that a freedom of information between all parties leads to a situation being able to resolve. It is when certain parties involved are unwilling to commit to this maxim that the situation becomes… chaotic.

-Garrett

Some helpful blogs for you to take a look at

Ah ha, a bit of downtown there—a new city, a new routine, and a breaking of the old one. While getting back into business, I’ve been reading many interesting blogs and articles about caregiving and eldercare, and I’ve compiled a short list of some posts I think everyone should check out.

This AARP article looks at ways to get financial assistance as a caregiver. The government has state-level organizations setup to help us out (here is a site that you can easily check to figure out your state’s options for this kind of assistance). There is also mention of direct pay (and the proper procedures in accomplishing that task) as well as long-term insurance options, dependent claims, and other tax deductible services. Every dollar saved counts!

Here is an article that takes a look at some helpful hints for those new to caregiving; what to do and what not to do. Creating a proper support structure for yourself and getting organized is not only helpful in keeping someone else’s life in order, but the structures of assessment will blend into one another—to take these steps with yourself is to prepare for taking them with whomever you care for.

Lastly, this article discusses how we caregivers can maintain our own wellbeing. It’s hard, I think, to care appropriately for oneself when we’re already busied looking after another; we’ve made a decision to put someone else’s care before us in some manner, but it takes a healthy caretaker to properly care for someone else. A lot of the stuff we’ve been talking about here pops up in this particular article.

That last article has me thinking about the difficulty in starting out as a new caregiver, especially a soloist caring for a family member. Next week, I think we’ll revisit this topic for a more in depth analysis on how to get started as a caregiver.

-Garrett

How Do I Talk To My Aging Parent About Finances?

Most children have a hard time talking to their parents (and parents to their children!) about financial issues. The same is true about adult children. Often times, poor communication about finances early in life  leads to poor communication later, and even a good relationship can be corroded by time, distance, and neglect—the comfort of not worrying leads to a time of neglect in which neither side realizes it is time to start thinking about elder finances. In light of an aging parent’s growing financial difficulty, the discussion of finances is a topic that must be breached. You may account for the increasing life expectancy, the current state of the economy, or just the changing times, but it is hard for adult children to move forward with their own financial plans without knowing what their parents are up to.

A sudden medical need can reduce a stable but unclear financial relationship between adult child and parent to rubble, creating chaos in a lack of information and confusion in what is best for the parent conflicting with what might be necessary. There are three important things needed to properly deal with a medical emergency:

-A living will that indicates wishes in terms of life support.

-A health care proxy that gives an individual the power to make healthcare decisions on behalf the parent.

-A durable power of attorney to deal with financial issues as the above would help deal with medical issues.

If these documents already exist, you should know where they are, what they say, and how to access them. Having these unfortunately necessary documents and procedures planned and available will reduce the confusion and stress of an emergency situation.

No one wants to think about the possibility of health issues affecting aging parents but ignoring the conversation only delays the inevitable or, worse, increases the possibility of an issue occurring when an emergency does occur.

But how do you talk about something like finances and wills? Talking finances is taboo in many families, and especially talking about the finances of one’s parents. A proud parent does not want their children to worry over them. Many would want to have the talk but are unable to bring themselves to impose. It is not, however, all the aging parent keeping the talk from happening. Adult children do not like to talk to their parents about finances for several reasons, including the above reason (financial discussion is taboo). Another reason why an adult child might not want to talk to a parent about finances—especially the writing of a will—is that thinking about a parent’s mortality is hard stuff. Making plans around the inevitability of death or medical emergency might seem like inviting such events to occur, but this is the kind of thinking that lands people in financially ruinous situations.

The best way to approach the discussion is straightforward, finding a good place between stern insistence (too much here and you’ll scare your parents into thinking you’re a little TOO concerned about the topic) and empathetic understandability (too shy and you’ll be deflected by the words: “Don’t worry about us”). Even if you’re unsuccessful in your first attempt to discuss the topic, don’t fret. At least the idea is in the open and the aging parents are now thinking about the situation and know you’re concerned. If a face-to-face talk doesn’t work, then try writing a letter. Sometimes, an aging parent (especially one not prone to communicate) will appreciate the time allowed to them to organize their thoughts when communicating through correspondence.

Whatever you and your aging parents decide upon will be best received after discussion and understanding. Communication, remember, is the key to success, and knowing what the other party desires should be a guiding factor in your plans to move forward.

-Garrett

What Are Our Goals?

I’ve written a lot about what a Daily Money Manager (specifically the DMM services of Linda Morelli LLC) can offer in terms of specific services and how these services combat financial and emotional stresses, but I haven’t touched on our goals as a company and service. More than protecting people from scams and providing financial services, we are here to relieve stress.

Distress occurs when one cannot adapt properly to any number of stressors in their life (financial, emotional, physical, or otherwise); sometimes we can do something to relieve stress and prevent it from overwhelming us. Most might think to find stress relief in squeezing a stress ball, yoga, or even at the bottom of a quart of ice-cream. There are other ways to relax and lessen stress, not just by performing an activity, but by preventing stress in the first place.

This is our goal. First, to prevent stress, to take care of some of the most stressful aspects of daily living so that our clients can enjoy themselves and hopefully remain independent  by avoiding major distress. By taking care of daily finances and creating/balancing an elder’s budget, we allow them to spend their time living their lives instead of worrying over a checkbook or unpaid bill. Ensuring applications or insurance claims go as promised or handling a medical bill can save hours upon hours of time that would be better spent on something worthwhile. Creditors and debt collectors can be dealt with in equal strides, as we can keep upsetting bill collecting tactics and confusing red tape from ever reaching our clients.

We want to relieve stress, to prevent it, and we will do this by being the guys in your corner, the people you can trust to care about you. If our clients are lost in the systems of finance and health, we can come to the rescue by providing a way to see through the obfuscation of bureaucracy.

We care, to put it simply, about our clients. We want to be the people they can trust to put their finances in order, to get lives back on track and help battle against an uncaring system of impersonalism.

-Garrett

Caring For Yourself

There is a certain need, I think, for people to be taken care of; from the complete inability to care for ourselves at birth to the adaptation in whatever particular culture we’re born into. We’re social creatures, you see, and part of being social is caring for ourselves and others.

It’s harder than we think to take care of ourselves. We’re creatures of habit, and sometimes bad habits influence the way we take care of ourselves. Habits set routines and start to deteriorate healthy behavior. Everyone suffers from their own problems—we just have a ton on our plates!—but there’s a difference between the woes of everyday living and a progressing state of deterioration that leads to the inability to live a healthy and independent life. This is not simply an issue of eldercare or caring for the disabled, but a general account of life that many don’t often attribute the same degree of severity. Emotional strains can be just as harmful as physical disabilities. Mental health issues can lead to financial problems and vice versa. Hygiene, medical and health needs, social pressures (relationships and the like), as well as psychological stresses all constitute as matters of self-care.

In the business of caregiving, we step in when these self-care needs are not being met or are not able to be met. Mental instability, physical limitations, or the most basic financial problems lead towards an inability to care for ourselves. However, we should not wait for these troubles to overtake us or our loved ones.

Preventative care is tricky because we can’t know that we’re going to become ill or distressed, right? Looking back at some of our posts on this blog, you can certainly find some useful information about how to avoid financial abuse—especially if you’re an elder—but today I’m speaking in a far more general way. Taking care about yourself is hard work, after all.

My message today is not one about fitness or eating right, about visiting the doctor or keeping yourself out of debt. Today, we should look to others, our loved ones (our parents, our children, our friends, and our relatives) and help them live a healthier, happier, and freer life. We also must look to ourselves, because in all likelihood, that help is already being offered to you!

This hails back to Linda’s post about independence: we need not let those around us suffer the pains of poor self-care so readily. However, we are proud, independent creatures living in a culture that promotes individualism; it is worth remembering that individualism works as a result of the individual’s decisions to affect the world, not in their refusal of that very influence when it comes from someone else.

We are all children in a certain regard, in a different stage of life or of ability. Perhaps children isn’t the right word—none of us are experts on all aspects of our lives, and it is in our best interests (to keep acting as individuals) to accept help where it is given with the same hands we would offer in assistance. It is not enough to offer care, to breed an interest in caregiving and awareness of the different issues we normally talk about here; the idea of acceptance of this care is equally important.

 

-Garrett

What can a DMM Can Do to Help Prevent Financial Abuse?

It is nothing new to suggest financial worries are top among our collective anxieties. Whether it’s day-to-day bill paying or the threat of a sudden medical expense, our bank accounts and paychecks are always at risk. To think, then, that the older we get, the more we worry! With a tremendous growth rate, the population of peoples in the US over the age of sixty five faces an ever increasing threat of financial devastation at the hands of any number of crises. The problem comes not just from a more dangerous financial world (one filled with scams and new technology), but with a large aging population; those at greatest risk with physical or mental impairments the result of aging or growing disease. Fixed incomes and the rising difficulty and cost of securing healthcare make the elder population prone to financial abuse.

Fear not, for the Daily Money Managers (DMM) have arrived! This community service is relatively new in its institutionalized form: a DMM can help prevent or minimize financial crises and protect clients from abuse and scams through careful budgeting and advocacy on behalf of their clients.

The most common DMM services are bill paying, budgeting, and checkbook balancing. In addition to organizing and budgeting, many DMM’s help manage debt and banking. Some assist with applications for grants and medical services (benefits and entitlements) as well as improving home care. Clients with mental health issues or requiring nursing home placements can also find assistance in a DMM. Legal services are usually not included in the list of DMM services (lawyers are still, unfortunately, best suited for this task), but an educated DMM will be able to assist getting into contact with the right type of legal advisor for a client’s specific problem. (You can view my previous post “What is Daily Money Management?” for a more in-depth list of services provided by a DMM).

An often overlooked facet of a DMM’s services (and one we here at Linda Morelli LLC like to emphasize) is the advocacy not in matters of advisement, but of trust. Those who most often perpetrate financial abuse and neglect against elders are trusted persons; family, friends, and fraternizations. A legitimate DMM offers themself as a stone on which to tether one’s financial burdens. DMM is not a service of investment, but one of assistance. By working with a client, a DMM alleviates the weight of not knowing who to trust in matters of finances.

A DMM is someone who can take the place of a concerned family member. As is ever the case, many adult children do not live near their aging parents or other relatives. A local DMM can work with both parties to ensure proper care is being given. The DMM can also put the adult child at ease, ensuring them their relation’s daily finances are in good hands.

A financial crisis (especially one stemming from scamming or mismanagement) can be a psychologically damaging experience, sometimes as much as or more so than intense physical trauma. A DMM is a way to prevent these crises from happening or recovering financially or emotionally from such abuses. The worry of financial harm is one of vulnerability, the shattering of bonds or trust previously held in high regard. The DMM seeks to create bonds of trust that our clients can hold onto for strength moving forward.

-Garrett